It was in 2011 that I rededicated my life to Christ.
The prior year, I’d moved back to the city my family resided in, and began attending a weekly small Bible study group with my Mom and my older sister, Rachel.
I was baptized through Warehouse Christian Ministries on a hot weekend day that summer, by a pastor I didn’t know very well, in a public pool with a bunch of strangers – in a floral cotton dress with a lime green bathing suit underneath. I didn’t care that it was a little casual, and a tad impersonal, because what mattered most to me was the act of declaring my love for and obedience to the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. I was declaring that the old me was gone, and the new me had come.
A Soft Place to Land
Warehouse Christian Ministries in Sacramento, California was founded in the 1970s, for the purpose of young California hippies to come back to the Lord. The founders had hoped the industrial warehouse environment would be more inviting and down-to-earth than what a traditional church setting might offer. Born out of the Jesus Movement that created Calvary Chapel Association, Warehouse appealed to their next generation’s love for music; they attracted some of the bearded, shirtless dudes and “flower power” chicks you might expect to see at a Woodstock festival versus in a more conventional church service.
It was through Warehouse Christian Ministries that I met some dear friends: Dorsey, Amy and Tom, Kathy, Ashley Ann, Penny, and Sherry, to name a few. Many of us regularly met for coffee during this season, and most of us have stayed in touch.
It was at one of our evening Bible studies one night that we were discussing all the attributes and names of God.
Healer. Counselor. Father. Trustworthy. Mighty. Loving. Just. Kind. The list was full of hundreds of great descriptors for our loving Creator.
“Which resonates with you the most?” Penny had asked us ladies in the group to share our thoughts.
With almost too many to pick, I landed on one that jumped out at me. “He is sovereign. Definitely, that He is sovereign.”
Our Sovereign God
Holy, You are still holy
Even when the darkness surrounds my life
Sovereign, You are still sovereign
Even when confusion has blinded my eyes
The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines sovereignty as: having unlimited power or authority.
There are a myriad of verses in the Old and New Testaments that describe that YAHWEH is Sovereign.
Psalm 115:3 says, “Our God is in heaven; he does whatever pleases him.”
And from the New Testament in Ephesians 1:11-13: “In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will, in order that we, who were the first to hope in Christ, might be for the praise of his glory. And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession–to the praise of his glory.”
The story of Joseph in Genesis shows us this concept: “What you meant for evil, God turned for good and for the saving of many lives.“
Scripture often describes our salvation as an incredible and mind-blowing mystery that God has revealed to us, His children.
Part of the mystery that we humans struggle to grasp in our finite thinking, is this singular fact:
“I have free will, but God is sovereign.”
How can it be?
A Legacy of Faith
My New Adventure Bible from childhood has it written in the front, in my 10-year-old handwriting, that I was saved in March of 1998.
But my life has taken many detours. God showed me in 2010 that I was living my life for myself, with disappointing results, and in 2011, I chose to dedicate my life to the Kingdom of God, and to purposefully live my life with the goal of seeing people healed and transformed by this amazing grace-filled gospel.
When we read Scripture, sometimes it can be difficult to grasp what Paul and other Biblical writers meant when they wrote that believers in Jesus Christ have been “chosen.” The Book of Romans alone sends even the most learned theologians like Martin Luther and John Calvin and Jacobus Arminius into fierce debate amongst themselves and their followers.
And even Jesus, at the end of the Parable of the Wedding Banquet, said “for many are invited, but few are chosen.“
Whoa. What does THAT mean?
Herein lies the great mystery. It’s also why Jesus spoke so often in parables. Some people were there to listen to Jesus speak, because they wanted the Truth, they wanted healing: they wanted something different than what the world offered them.
And some people were listening to him speak because they wanted their immediate needs met. Or they had nothing better to do, and they were listening for the novelty of a different kind of Jewish rabbi. Ooh, this is interesting. What’s this guy about? Wait, isn’t that Joseph and Mary’s son, the carpenter?
A Faith Crisis
When I moved out of state and was introduced to Calvinism, I had a personal crisis of faith. Suddenly, the Scriptures weren’t jumping off the page at me like they had in the past. God didn’t make sense to me anymore. I felt so lost, confused, and distraught. What if I’ve been called, but I’m not chosen? Do I have acceptable fruit? Am I really saved? Am I relying on “easy grace,” all the while spitting on the cross with my unholiness? Wait, God hardened Pharaoh’s heart? WAIT. Esau sought repentance with tears, and he couldn’t turn his life around? He was doomed? That doesn’t sound like a good and loving God.
I was spiraling, and I saw no hope.
Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.
Proverbs 13:12
I can look back with clear eyes and see what was happening, but it truly was a terrible time in my life, and my entire identity felt like it was collapsing around me. I felt like I was being pushed out of salvation. One day, I was driving to my Mom’s house, and I was listening to Christian worship music, and I felt nothing. If anything, I think I felt some kind of disdain for God. I thought to myself, Is this it? Have I fallen away? Am I no longer a Christian? I think I no longer believe in this. Oh no. What on earth do I do?
The Healing Balm of Truth
It was through prayer, time, wise counsel from trusted Christian friends, Biblical counseling, and books like Children of the Living God by Sinclair Ferguson, and Union with Christ: The Way to Know and Enjoy God by Rankin Wilbourne, that provided healing and clarified my theology.
I remember a friend during this season called me out one day. She pointed to me and said, “YOU. You need to figure out who God is.” (These are the friends to make, by the way. She is now a professional Biblical Counselor.)
And sweet friend at church directed me to Psalm 139:6: “Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.”
And in that moment, like others before, I related so closely to David, the Psalmist. Here I was, trying to put God in a box, and trying to figure Him out so that I could understand Him perfectly. In reality, God is a person in Jesus Christ, with a character. He is a God of compassion and mercy, though he does discipline his children the way a good Father does. Scripture, and Creation, tell us who He is. He is not a computer.
And He is Spirit, living in me, counseling me, guiding me, and using His Word to instruct me on a daily, nay, minute-by-minute basis, sometimes. Nothing happens outside of His good and perfect will.
What. A. RELIEF! I had been trying so hard. I was exhausted. I wanted to lay my burden back down. I wanted to sit at the feet of Jesus again, and delight in Him again. I wanted to “return to my first love.”
And what does He tell us to do? Be still. BE STILL. Stop striving! I am loved, and while I was actively sinning, Christ died for me. IT. IS. FINISHED.
There is a reason “gospel” means GOOD NEWS. It is the best news we could ever receive. And your Christian friends, who sometimes seem judgmental and angry at the state of the world, in reality are just brokenhearted by all the evil, and we know what Creation was supposed to be, before Adam and Eve made a wrong choice in the Garden of Eden. We just want it to be right again. Maranatha – come Lord Jesus, author of my faith and good, sovereign Father.
When you go through a trial, the sovereignty of God is the soft pillow upon which you lay your head.
Charles Spurgeon
My Heart's Overflow 