come just as you are

Me: “I just cannot wait to be where I need to be. I’m so close to figuring it out…. Because I know this isn’t it. So I’m looking for Him to show me where He wants me to be.”

Friend: “But…you ARE where He wants you to be.”

Me: “Right, okay, but…”

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I’ve had similar conversations too many times to count this past year. I’ve fallen into looking at life as just a bridge to where I am going, that I’m not there yet, and that there is much work to be done to get to the “right” place. Then, I’ll really be where God can be pleased with me. Then, eventually, He’ll really take hold of me and use me.

And my struggle is more than where I am but also who I am.

Time and time again it’s been self-editing and reflecting on things I’ve said and how I’ve acted here and what I should have done there. How I’m not good enough now and what I should try next time to be different, how I should tweak these little things here and there to make this darned life work. To be more this and to be more that and less of everything else.

No matter how many times I’ve heard it said that God loves me for who I am, I’ve always just tossed it aside. “Yeah, yeah..our culture loves to praise the individual and we obsess over esteeming ourselves. I’ll continue in this torrential downpour of self-loathing, thank you very much!”
Never fully grasping the things I need to hold true to live life and live it abundantly. Feeling like the rug has been pulled out from under me and His presence is far away.

I’ve learned that my mind often sees things in black & white. Things are either perfect or worthless. Situations are either great or terrible. My moods are either in the dumps or over the moon. My life is either just where it needs to be, or miles away.

“God, I’m getting really close to where You want me to be. It’s really going to be something. You’re really going to be pleased, just you wait. I’m sorry, God. I’m so disappointing. Please come meet me here once I’ve got things going right. I’m getting there. Eventually I’ll be there.”

Is there something that no matter how much head knowledge you have acquired, now matter how many scriptures you’ve read, no matter how much you’ve gone over it and mulled it over and prayed about, you remain set in your ways?

How can I get this through my head (heart)?:
God loves me for ME. God delights in me for who I am. I should be proud of who I am because I am His. Not to justify sins or disobey His commands, but to see that I am a child of God, created in His image. I can become a better version of me without changing who He created me to be. He loves me HERE and NOW, not IF and WHEN. I am in this point in my life for a reason. He doesn’t want me to feel inadequate, He doesn’t want me to beat up on myself because I am not outgoing enough, charming enough, strong enough, good enough, ____ enough. I am this way because my Father God made me this way, uniquely ME.

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
Psalm 139:13

Though I struggle, I have glimpses of this concept; it comes in brilliant flashes and I can truly see that God formed me and delights in me NOW, in this state, at this moment in time. Not later, when I have my “act together.”

And the raw truth of the matter is, I’m never really going to “have my act together” on my own terms. It might look a little shinier and more fruitful and happier and sunnier, but this life is a daily snare of struggles, temptations, and distractions. Isn’t it just another form of pride thinking that I’m going to make it right by my own hand? I’ll always stumble and I’ll never be “good enough” for God, but I can forgive myself for the mistakes I make, because He is forgiving me. That’s why His grace is so amazing. I’m a work in progress until Jesus takes me home.

The righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe.
Romans 3:22

But this life is not meant to be lived in limbo. It’s not about living day to day waiting for perfection and in the meantime I’m useless. How can I learn to despise my sins and mistakes but still love myself? How do I live every moment NOW the way God wants me to live? What is He leading me to NOW, in this beautiful blessed moment of my life? What is He showing me that I can’t see because I’m too caught up in trying to clean up my messes before coming to Him with my whole heart?

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have
life and have it abundantly.
John 10:10

Do you have a similar struggle? Do you truly grasp that you are wonderful because He created you the way you are? Do you know that full well? Do you rest in the fact that He loves you here and He can use you in this moment? Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Now, not after you’ve fixed the mess.

 
To be prosperous, would not require much of me
You see contentment is the one thing it entails
To be content with where I am, and getting where I need to be
And moving past the past where I have failed.
‘Cause I’m just trying to be a better version of me for You…